ONLINE DATING PROFILE TIPS FOR WOMEN (backlash welcome; slightly offensive)

While I am in no place to date anyone right now, I am always looking for new life experiences, and what a better way to mine for those new experiences than online dating?  

It's easy, convenient, and the only thing less sad than being the lone 43-year-old bald guy at a singles bar in clothes that may or may not have been purchased while 'Friends' was still hot.  

Quick disclaimer(s):​

1.) This post is COMPLETELY superficial.  I debated writing it with such a bent, but let's face it: women are just as looks-oriented when it comes to this stuff as men, so please check your 'it's what's inside that counts' BS at the door; 

2.) I live in San Antonio, TX, a city of champions: we make 'Fattest Cities In America' lists more than the Spurs make the playoffs; and

3.) While I have met some people on these sites, nothing has developed outside of chatting.  I've made a few girls 'LOL' and 'ROTFL', but that's about it.  I won't mention them by name - I choose to protect those with questionable taste.

On with the show...

I. YOUR PROFILE PIC IS EVERYTHING

Whoever said 'looks don't matter' is more full of sh*t than a port-o-potty at a refried bean festival.  

Looks are ALL that matter, at least in the world of online dating, and your success in this world relies damn near entirely on your profile pic.  Why?

Because that's the first (and, often, last) picture people see when perusing the site, and the ONLY picture they see when the platform tells them 'someone from Texas viewed you.'  While some platforms offer the paid option to view members without them knowing you're a stalk.., er, 'viewer of their profile,' most people in this world are cheap and go with all the free options they can.  Thus, within a minute or two of you looking at someone, they can see you looked at them and see just what the Hell you look like, because alongside that notification is said profile pic.

Zoosk has some pretty good advice on how to make your profile pic work to your advantage, but only as much as your busted ass mug will allow - you can take all the face-forward shots you want, but if you look like a regular at Mos Eisley... I hope you just sold your software company.

With the rare exception of a few that have apparently slipped through the algorithms of artificial unintelligence, I have very limited knowledge of what men put in their profile pics (other than cats).  Thus, I will focus on the female profile pics and what seems to work (and woefully not work).

WORK: A GENUINE SMILE

A real smile, like you're genuinely happy and at peace.  Seems simple enough right?  NOPE. 

ou know why?  Because most women dating online in my age-bracket are not at peace.  They seem aware that some ship has sailed, and that the man of their dreams either can't exist or did exist... but they dumped him because he wasn't exciting enough.  Now they're seeing the skin around their elbows folding over, and they realize 'Oh, shit!  I'd better hop online before I die alone!"    

NOT WORK: EVERY OTHER SMILE

Sadly, the smile you'll see most often is that one at an angle, where she's got her chin turned toward her shoulder, her eyebrows are up, and she's got more makeup than John Wayne Gacy.

It's either that smile, or the one where they're smiling TOO hard.  Maybe not fake, but like, 'Check out THESE fuggin' teeth!' 

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Slow down there, killer!

Also: why does every girl take her selfie in the car? 

Dude, if aliens landed and started looking at most dating profiles, they'd think single women lived in cars.  And this is San Antonio, where fertility gets doled out in surplus: don't be surprised if you see child seats in the back or even the GD child itself in the picture.  

WORK: THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE

Let us (or whomever you're hoping to find) SEE you.  It doesn't have to be a body shot or anything, but show us who you are through your eyes.  

NOT WORK: THE WRONG PERSPECTIVE

Pumpkins are good for pies and catapults, not profile pics.  Men want to see your face IN the picture, not AS the picture so move back from the lens a little.

Extend the arm, get a selfie stick... just leave SOME room on the edges so we can get a perspective on your dimensions.  Men are all over the map when it comes to which facial features are attractive, but we are unified in wanting to see your face before we take the plunge into the world of rejection and possible pregnancy scares.

Remember, honest smile and evident facial dimensions: good.  Psycho teeth and visible blackheads: bad.

LEST I FORGET TO MENTION THESE TWO PROFILE PIC TIPS: 

You have GOT to take the picture head on.  Not that angle where you hold the camera up to one side and your head's in one corner and your feet are in the lower, opposite corner.  

We're stubborn, but we're not idiots: all that angle does is tell us you're hiding something.  You may think you're looking sassy, but we're suspicious you're hiding 'frutt (front butt)'.

And speaking of 'sassy,' drop the GD Snap filters.  Holy Hell: no man who can change a flat or fight for your honor thinks dog ears or whiskers is cute or attractive.

II.  THE 'OUT HAVING FUN' PICS

The ones who get this right are the ones who travel.  They're always in front of some monument or easily identifiable structure with their arms out, really seeming to embrace life.

That's attractive.  Financially daunting, but attractive.

Flipside: those who post pics of them out at a bar with 'friends.'  

You may recall I said men are stubborn but not stupid?  Yeah, well we know that guy you've got your arm around banged you, if not within an hour after that picture was taken, then at some point around there.  

'But I'm not a whore!'  We know that, and will give you the benefit of the doubt time and again.  But even though we may be completely wrong about that, it takes the focus off of you.  We want to see more of YOU, not your 'friend' or 'coworker.'  You.  

Another problem I've seen with this picture is the abysmal editing: the off-center cropping, the hazy over-zoom... The only thing worse than having the pic with the guy in it is the pic where we THINK a guy is in it.  

Again: it takes our attention off you.  Somehow, even though you're the only one in the picture and taking up the entire frame, all we can wonder while looking at this picture is, 'She's totally with some dude.  I wonder if I could take him.'

The last risk of the 'out having fun' photo: YOUR FRIENDS ARE HOTTER THAN YOU.

Comedian Steve Byrne puts it best (I'm paraphrasing):

"You will never see a bunch of guys trying to get backstage at a Britney Spears concert.  'There's a perfectly good looking girl selling tee-shirts right over there.  I'll just go talk to her.' "

(Steve, if you Google Alert yourself and found this blog: big fan, man.  Thanks for all the laughs.) 

It's astonishing how quickly men's interests will shift from one girl to another.  In the real world, we have quick fantasies, but they're harmless: yeah, the other girl may be hot, but most of us prefer the girl we're with.  

Perusing an online dating profile is another thing entirely.  We've got very little time invested in you, so jumping from one ship to another happens at the bat of an eyelash. 

Maybe sooner.

It's the same phenomenon behind our various online impulses: look at my YouTube history and you'll see I've watched a bazillion jiu-jitsu videos up to about the 35-second mark, and about four to completion.

(You can label it ADHD or whatever you want, but facts are facts, and I'm here to help.)

III. THE MIRROR PIC

Egads, the mirror pic.

How many thousands of them are there online where the girl is attractive and open and honest and... in front of a bed that's COVERED in all her sh*t?  

Clothes, shoes, shelving... You moving?  You cleaning out your closet?  You even have a closet?  Tidy up the place!  It's hard to appreciate you in any capacity when right behind you is a clump of clothes still on hangers and a ruffled comforter that may or may not be hiding last night's drunken romp.

And that's only the bedroom mirror pic.  The bathroom mirror pic is downright ridiculous.

"Just here, getting ready for a night out!  Lulz"

"Cool!  Hey, nice NuvaRing box.  That an empty Valtrex bottle I see there?  Well, at least you've learned your lesson."

And the ultimate San Antonio mirror selfie: THE ONE WITH THE KIDS TOYS IN THE BACKGROUND. 

Good-goddamn-grief, man: leaving big plastic toys out and in your picture makes us think you've either got little ones at the house we don't want to damage, or that you actually play with those things, and in no way have as much fun with them as we would.

You may think sitting in that mini F150 is fun, but until you pedal it off a roof and into a pool, you're doing it a disservice...

I just realized, this post is a little long.  I was hoping to cover more, but that'll be in the next one. 

Hope you've enjoyed it, happy dating, and watch your a*s out there!

​-Nick